My Fantasy World: Who? Me?

I was relieved when everybody stared at me like that. It almost felt something very nostalgic. So, this Australian guy told me he’ll buy my lunch. I never actually say ‘no’ to free lunch. And when the speaker ended his fun, we were all told to have a short break.

As the Aussie guy was approaching me from my back, the guy sitting beside me looked at me with fidgeting hands. He was taller than I am with high heels on. He had deep blue eyes, fluffy hair and had a 3 o’clock shadow. He stared at me and I stared back. I felt I was deeply being swallowed by those big blue eyes. It was roughly my first time seeing eyes like that.

“Klaus.”

He stopped shaking when the Aussie guy called him. He immediately gathered his composure and smiled.

“Nicolas Vign.” He said as he reached for my hand and kissed it.

I was shocked. Or more likely, stunned with that smile.

“Shut your mouth, luv. You’ll give people ideas. Especially in front of this rude guy, eh?”

Was I drooling? I mean, this guy is really stunning.

Nicolas chuckled and said, “can I join you for lunch?”

How could this guy be so CHARISMATIC. I snapped out of it and started acting professionally, as what I should have done moments ago.

“Of course you can if you don’t mind this guy coming along with us.” As I was referring to the Aussie guy at my back.

“Oh, you’re with Terry? I don’t mind if he doesn't ” and in that instant, his lovely smile turned into a mischievous smirk.

So his name is Terry, huh? I can feel the tension between the two. Maybe I stepped on a landmine over here.

“Klaus, you bloody bastard, you. Come on.” He said in disdain.

As we went outside, the two were talking just in front of me and all I could was the backs of two foreign looking gentlemen in quasi-formal attires. Judging from how they talk to each other, it was either they are very close or they just hated each other that much. I stopped observing the two and started to look around the view. Open fields, good architectural buildings, houses, dormitory towers. It’s kind of cool here.
The two stopped and when I looked in front of me, I saw a tall building, like a shopping mall and instantly, it reminded me of a shopping mall in Seoul. So there is a mall here.

The moment we set foot inside the “mall”, I started questioning where the hell I am. Outside, it looked like a regular mall. But inside, it looked like the entire Rizal Park on the first floor. It was filled with restaurants.
I looked at the directory and it has nothing but places to eat. Fast-food, fine-dining. It has it all. Nicholas held my arm and scrunched his neck as if he was about to sneeze and mumbled some words. In a blink of an eye, I found myself inside a fancy European Style restaurant. There weren't too many people around and there were no familiar faces, except for my two companies. We sat in a corner in a 3-seater sofa with curtains around. The ordered for me and the two just stared at me in silence as the curtains covered us.

“Niccola Carmen. That name’s not familiar?” As Klaus broke the silence.

“For me, no. I’m Leila Parker. What kind of place is this?”

“You don’t like dilly-dallying, eh?”

“No.” I said cutting him off.

“Alright, I’m Terry McGuffin. A professor here in the Academy. Klaus is a professor here, too.”

“Okay. So what do you guys teach in particular? And why am I here?”

“I teach transfiguration. I have no particular shape, actually.” Said Klaus.

That actually made me doubt as if that’s his real face. Wait. Transfiguration? “Are you talking about magic?”

“Luv, everything here is about magic. I teach dragon wielding and spells.”

I don’t get it. It was like I was in a harry potter movie. “W-w-why am I here?” I started stuttering. That explains the weird stuff here. MAGIC!

“Do you like stories? I’m going to tell you a good one.” Said Klaus.

I nodded and he continued.

“As I was still a student here in the Academy, Niccola was the best dragon wielder. Because the dragons choose you, she was chosen by the fiercest and most difficult dragon. She named it Sophie. It had three colors. White, brown and black. Such a beauty when you see those two fly by.”

“She was also one of the most powerful student here. In my class, I challenged her to a duel. The creativity in her is boundless. She would defeat me without hurting me. She’s a real gem.”

“So what happened to her?”

“She left. Fell in love as the rumors said. She left 10 years ago. She never came back. It felt as if we lost our treasure. We lost someone very dear. The whole academy felt sad. Some professors treated their students lowly. As if they will never be like her. They wanted her back. Sophie was in an uproar and we kept her locked up. When you leave the academy, your memory of it gradually disappears. And when we found you, well the council did, they thought you looked like her.”

“Who? ME?”

“Yes, luv. When you smile, you light up the room just like her. The resemblance is really uncanny. I see her in you so much. That’s why I immediately approached you the moment you set foot here.”

“See, I can’t be her. Really now. I don’t even know any magic.”

“Trust me honey, you won’t be able to set foot here if you can’t do any magic.”

“But-“ The food came and we started eating. Not mentioning anything about it.

“Let’s talk about it when we leave here.”

My Fantasy World: The "Academy"

A letter came for me. A scholarship from some university with the coolest name - Draganov Academy. I never thought there existed such here in the Philippines. It’s either they’re asking me to work for them or to study for them. Or both. They didn’t specify in the said letter. They were just asking me to come. I managed to convince my parents to let me go. So I did. It took me hours on the road to arrive at the place. Good thing there was a map attached at the back. I was wondering what kind of school this is since they don’t mind me finishing my dissertation. It seems that they want me that badly.

While walking from the parking area, I cant help notice how big the place is. It was a huge place located almost the edge of the country. It has this tall dorm tower at the edge of some big rock. It looked like it was taken from a movie or something, but I never saw it in any. It was scary. I’m afraid of heights. But that was the least of my concerns.

I was at the gate and surprisingly, no guards. So I just entered and tried to look for where I should go. I had this tingly feeling as I entered the gate where I was either being paralyzed or being mildly electrocuted all over my body. It stinged but I assumed it was out of nervousness. I tried to read the letter again if there are any instructions where I should specifically go inside this academy. But there was none. How am I supposed to get there on time? I hate being late for interviews – if it was an interview.

As I was wandering around, a very tall guy approached me.

“Hey, where you goin luv?” he said almost shouting at me.

He was around 5”10’ - taller than my dad. He had this smiling face of a teenager. He was wearing black coat and tie, despite the hot weather. Come to think of it, it was supposedly hot here in the Philippines but why am I not dripping of sweat yet? By this time, I was supposed to be parched.

The idea didn’t bothered me much as I was thinking to myself. The guy approached me then.

“sweetie, you didn’t answer me. Are you okay?”

“ah yes. I was supposed to have an interview here. But it didn’t specifically say where to go.”

“ah right. It won’t hurt to ask right? Come on, I know the way”

I followed his back while he kept talking. I was lost in my own world because the academy looked as if it was in another world as well. I was a skeptic but I never knew such architecture exists.

There were a lot of fields, buildings, or are they classrooms? There were no students or even professors around. There might be some event here today.

“right, luv?” he said looking back.

“uhh sorry?” what was he saying?

“oh I thought you were so quiet back there, guess you were awed by the architecture of the
school huh?

“oh yeah. Uhmm is there –“

“here we are then. Welcome to dragonov academy.” Cutting me off with the biggest smile.

I know he meant well so I gave him a little smile and a thank you.  He looked so shocked after that. I just noticed by then that he had this Australian accent. Maybe he’s Australian.
As I look in front of me, another amazing architecture greeted my eyes. A building with baroque features and also modern textiles. I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I entered the room in front of me, with the guy following my back, and I saw this classroom full of people, one talking in front. But the weird thing is, there aren’t any chairs. There were four-seater sofas. Very modern, indeed.

“Seat anywhere you like, I’ll be with you.” He said whispering as I became more aware of his Australian accent.

I found 2 sofas at the back. One has two seats available and another with all four seats available. I want to sit with people so I went for the first one. I guess the guy didn’t like it and sat on the one vacant.

I wasn’t listening at the beginning because I was too busy admiring the environment. It was like a café. Very comfortable, but inspires work. I also can’t help notice that the guy sitting next to me was either very itchy or he’s just not comfortable. But I can’t see why because this is such a soft and comfy sofa.

As I decided to listen to the speaker, he made a joke.

“it would really be fun here in the Philippines if only the weather wouldn’t kill you for having too much fun.”

It was funny because it’s true. As hard as I retain my composure, I can’t help but bring a grin. And then he shocked me.

“DEAR GOD! She’s here! Miss at the back, are you Niccola Carmen by any chance?”

Wow I guess they were expecting me. But WHO THE HELL IS NICCOLA CARMEN? But of course I
was only thinking about it and answered very calmly – “Uhmm no. I’m Parker. Leila Parker”

The speaker’s eyes grew bigger and stared at me with his mouth open resulting everyone to look at me. They were all whispering and eyeing me as if I was someone very familiar. I didn’t get it. I looked back at my companion and he looked the same way, but he was rubbing his chin. He went forward and whispered something to me.

“Let’s talk later. I’ll buy your lunch.”

A woman, I am

There are a lot of women in history who pretended to be a man. For example, Billy Tipton, the jazz player, was a woman who wanted to be known for her art and lived her life as a man. She did that to be able to be acknowledged not for her sexuality, but for her talent. Marina the Monk is another example. The story goes that when Marina’s father decided to go be a monk, she shaved off her hair and joined him. These people’s genders were only exposed to people by their deaths. This is where the notion of men ruling history and being treated better as a man was observed. This is the reason why these women dressed up and became men for the sake of their passion and not being limited to roles of a wife. The simply wanted to expand their horizons and feel the equality of society.

Beauvoir made a point of liberation for women because in the past, you have to be man to be recognized for talent and bravery. It is quite unfair, actually, that women were only seen as those who tend to the house and to the children. She made a point that women shouldn't have to pretend to be a man in order to gain respect and to be treated equally. A woman becomes what she makes herself - that's what she said. It simply is if she allows herself to be discriminated, then she will be discriminated. Beauvoir gave the notion of a "genderless" environment for women, and that society has to be aware and be considerate of women all the time. But in my opinion, if you want a "genderless" society, then why does society need to be considerate of women?  A "genderless" environment promotes equality whereas the idea of being considerate with women promotes special treatment. Maybe because of certain circumstances that women need to be treated specially, but if you’re going to ask me, I think women are very powerful. Even though they are treated as weak and helpless most of the time, women can actually manipulate a man into doing and giving whatever she wants.

A woman is a man’s weakness. Sometimes, there are cases that women are head over heels for a man, but in most cases, a man falls for a girl and he’ll do everything to get her. What a woman can boast about is her manipulating power, but of course, that is kind of like using your advantages in an evil context. Honestly, I don’t like being a girl because of the biological factors like menstruation and heavy boobs. I’m not really a feminist but I really love the notion of a woman controlling a very powerful man. In the movies, they always use women for bait and it proves to be quite effective. Who knew that women are to be more powerful than men?

I find Simone de Beauvoir’s notion of sexual liberation very fascinating. I admired the way she lived – very free. She explored her sexuality and enjoyed her life. Carpe diem as they say. The thing is, most women are very timid. They get an awkward feeling by just looking at their bodies naked, well some of them. As a matter of fact, this is how the society dictated how a woman should react. As what Beauvoir said, society is unfair to women, but women are still able to prove to the society their power and ability to compete with the men. So what's the point of all this? Trust, I have no idea. Even though I am a girl, I am still a bit of a coward to living life the way I wanted it in my wildest dreams and fantasies. Maybe it's because I am too afraid to be deemed as a taboo person for society. Isn't that what most of us are afraid of?

It's been...ambitious...lately...

It's been what? Five to ten years since I last posted? Exaggerating, but I honestly missed this. Being a student is very confusing. Hmm.. Let me revise that: Being a COLLEGE STUDENT is very confusing. Especially when you don't get your priorities straight. You're studying your chosen degree with hopes that you will find a great job some day or when you have an ideal job in mind, you're hoping that you'll achieve it some day. But ironically, you realize half way that the industry is falling apart: unfortunate and inevitable events that you expected but prayed not to happen so soon. And now you're thinking what job will I be able to get now without reaching too far and in the end, sink too low?

A lot of people who are already working claims that it's much better to be a college student. Well, if you're a lazy college student that can get your way through every subject, like me, then why not. But if you're a grade conscious dude who wimps at the sight of a below average grade (for these people, it's below 90%), I think it's not better to be a student. You'll just add stress lines on your forehead and make you look older. In my opinion, it's just the same. It depends on how you treat your work.

My dad, a mechanical engr., says that in his workplace, it's just like a small classroom with 10 other people. They have fun together, laugh together, tell stories about themselves, just like in a classroom. Whenever I hear his stories, I've thought that once you get a view on what you really want, you tend to make it happen just as long as it's not too hard to reach and you have a lot of patience.

Talking about patience, I have a very limited one. That's why I'm playing these finding games so that I can improve because I'm always in the rush to do things. When I was younger, I wanted to turn 18 immediately so I can find freelance work. Today, I want to graduate immediately so I can start earning money from a real job outside my house. I want to find out how people find work, how hard it is, how failure hurts, how it affects my perseverance and how screwing up is such a taboo. I want to find out immediately because my curiosity won't be satisfied with mere surfing the net or asking others for their opinions. I want to experience for myself. They say  it's hard. I say, bring it on! I can take it. If you can't then you're weak, go back to studying.

I'm not an ambitious person so I set goals based on my standards, based on what I know I can achieve in a short span of time. And when things go better, then it'll be such a surprise worth remembering of. Sometimes, I pity ambitious people especially when they predict their highest goal in such an impossible short period of time. Know why I pity them? Because when they look back, they might get disappointed with themselves for being late or not being able to achieve it. Sometimes, they're even full with pride to the point that they won't admit they're disappointed. But in my opinion, they just don't want to look pathetic - which they already do to people who can see right through them.

With what I just said, I don't need comments being defensive as hell. Just suck it up and be yourself, there's nothing wrong with that.


Being optimistic is good. In fact, it's way better than being ambitious just as long as you know the limits and calculate the time frame correctly.

Well I have to admit, I'm jealous of those people who already have plans. Because I don't. I know I can do a lot of stuff. I'm a fast learner, but that's not enough because when I make my plans, it's more than ambitious. It's over-the-top, unreachable and to-die-for. I want to do so many things all at the same time. If only I was a genius or something. But I'm not. I can try a lot of jobs and get bored with it immediately. I get bored easily on games, what more if it's work? I've always secretly been wanting more. I may put up an easygoing face but in reality, I've been wanting to prove to MYSELF I can be smarter than what I am now.

It's like I am my own rival. 


Every time I learn something, I have to learn more. I have to figure more things out on my own. I have to know more. I have to ask more. I have to encounter more people. I have to understand them more. It's like an undying thirst. Never quenched. Sometimes relieved but always goes back for more.

To tell the truth, I learn more outside, with people, with friends, with my family, with myself, than I do in school. In school, they just expect us to memorize. Memorize stuff that won't even be necessary. Oh well. I guess that's how life works. You just have to make the best of it.

Or whatever...

Newer Perspective

Love is what almost everybody wants to have. People wanted to be longed for, to feel they belong, to be accepted and to feel special. But sometimes, some people see themselves not lucky enough to find those certain someone that can give them what they need - or in most cases, want. Sometimes, it’s because of this ideal person in their minds that narrows their perspective and hinders them from keeping in touch with other people they meet. In some cases, people tend to be very open-minded that it is because they don’t even know what they are looking for - that’s where dating comes in. People meet new people to add in their lives in hopes that they might find someone they are looking for, or even the right one. Most of them pass through trial and error. They get hurt, move on, and find another, but there are always instances that they just give up. With a lot of people hard to please these days because of their higher standards, they felt that dating should be a way of life to find, somewhere in the vast ocean of fishes, who they are looking for thus, making dating pretty popular.

The dating etiquette today has become more hassle-free for both sides. For example, on a dinner date in the past, the man usually pays for the bill. While today, splitting the expenses are commonly observed. But who needs a dinner date when there exists now the growing dating trend - online dating. One can find who they are looking for by just searching through the sites and chatting with those people they find interesting. In fact, when talking about online dating pros and cons, the cons always weigh more among societies, but not a lot really do care. Starting with the advantages, a person can meet another a thousand miles away. They can even find their ideal match based on the profile of these people. But here’s the catch, they’re not exactly sure if the personal info of that person is true. No one can be sure of it. Anyone can lie and especially come up with some petty excuses for it. What if that person claims to be 17 years old and turns out to be 32 in real life? Anyone can fall victim to it. If a person is looking for someone to fall in love with in online dating, that person must be absolutely positive that that person is real. Not made up, but existent. People who fall victim to these charades might regret it for the rest of their lives if they are that ignorant. I’d rather ask the person to meet me as soon as possible should I try dating online. If that person denies, then put them on the ignored list and find another. The internet does give a lot of choices, so why regret having to ignore a single person for denying your request to meet up? Bottom line is, although dating is superficial, it gives everybody a newer perspective.

Fitting in.

For one thing, I really do have a lot of questions, but sometimes, I tend to realize that people around me don’t even care about the things I’m asking about. Some say that I was making their heads ache and some say that I was too curious and that curiosity will kill the cat. So in this one point in my life, I decided to feign ignorance and try to fit in with the people I spend my time with. Obviously, a person needs a sense of belongingness.It’s third in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I felt it. It was fun at first. I had a lot of friends, I became quite accepted and I became popular, but I felt that I was losing myself along the way. I was being another clone in the society. I was losing my sense of individuality, trying to fit in with others.

This one professor, then, told us a story about how she has this deviant classmate who even leaves the class by passing through the window. I thought that it was so cool and being deviant is not that bad. You’re unique. You’re you. A lot of people think he’s weird, but who cares? It’s how he wants to be and that’s how he is comfortable with himself.

I also decided to be myself after that; to be who I want to be, to do what I want to do and focus on my own interests than the interests of others. I am gradually becoming who I want to be and now people I know can distinguish me from other people they usually interact with. They know me by the pattern of my personality and how I communicate with them. I even say what I feel about things out loud because I really want the people I’m referring to for them to hear what I say. I want them to feel angry, to realize their mistakes and make a good scene, if ever they get really mad. My mom often scolds me whenever I do my own thing in a public place, like in a mall. She tells that I’m embarrassing and I looked like I was asking for a fight, but my dad and I always tell her that I don’t really care on what other people think, and she shouldn’t too, because they don’t even know me. I’m just pointing out what I think is wrong, saying out loud and maybe making use of what little I have understood about freedom of speech.

My mom is the type of person who will follow the trend. She will try to fit in with everything. She will try to be in sync with everything around her. She won’t even try to go against the flow of events. I used to be like that, but now, I can’t even say I’m totally not. Maybe a little bit not into it, but I will always be a victim because of my sense of being “in”. All I can ever think of is it is inevitable, especially when my mom is one of the worse-case victims. They say mothers know best. Yeah. And I love my mom. It’s just that she’s slowly losing her own uniqueness because the media and the society dictate what she should be.

For instance, she now thinks that she should be rich so that she could buy these expensive things that just are the same with the things we find in “tiangge” and in “ukay-ukay”. I actually bought a P5,000.00 worth of boots in a “tiangge” for only P100.00. The quality’s just the same. There’s a little bit of smudged color but it still looked new. And there’s this instance that she wants to drink at Starbucks, the overpriced café of the capitalists, for the sake of being coined as someone rich and can afford to waste money. She’d also rather watch Wowowee because most people like it and when people around her talks about it, she wants to be able to relate with them.

Then this course about Philosophy came in. I learned about how true life is absent, as Levinas said. My life is just an imitation of the other and that the media dictates what you should be. I remember the time when I first got an idea what beauty is. Media told me that it was having a pretty face as white as ever and hair straight, black and long. I grew up thinking like that, and as I see dark people, I feel that they’re not beautiful; and I myself wanted to be considered as beautiful. I became discriminative because when I was a kid, I often see in the T.V. that they give these beautiful people special treatment, especially the white ones. I wanted to have that same kind of treatment where everyone looks at me when I pass them. Also my concept of being sexy was from the media. Models are skinny to the point that I can’t even see some fat in their bodies. All I can see was bones, skin and more bones.

These are some of my initial perspectives that I got primarily from my curiosity when I was still a little girl. But in T.V., in newspapers and in magazines, they seemed to be more interested on people like those, the beautiful and the sexy. Only people who are very successful are credited if they don’t even satisfy the criteria of beautiful and sexy. Sometimes, there’s this trend in media. I’ve observed that in year 2000, there’s this emo trend. Then some time in 2005, there’s now this Asian trend where everybody liked Korean and Japanese girls. I’m thinking about what’s next, but I really doubt that Africans can dominate a new trend in the media. Although, Tyra Banks is trying to do that, some people do widen their perspective of beauty.

Everyone I know was a victim. Their perspectives are being molded on how the media wants it. With my sense of belongingness, I too become a victim. One of my close friends wants to have plastic surgery so bad that I was really against it. I told him he’s fine the way he is and that he doesn’t need to resort to plastic surgery. He said he hates his nose because it’s flat and he also hates his chin because it’s long. But really, it’s so pointless that I let him do whatever he wants. I just keep telling him that I still want to recognize him after the surgery.

With my opinions, I don’t have many friends. Some people don’t understand me; rather they don’t try to understand me. I have this trust issue and I love being different. I give out these unique ideas I got from waaay back inside my head and I write stories that most people won’t even get. And I also don’t like faking with other people. I tell them what I think about them, whether if they’re cute, nice, obnoxious or annoying. I don’t even think about how I tell them that. It just comes out naturally. And whenever I do that, I feel like I have no friends at all. People avoid me. I don’t know why.

Lately, I don’t feel sad about having limited friends. I don’t even care if they call me friendless, because I know for a fact that I’m not pushing myself to fit in with them. At least I’m not one of those wannabes who just pretend to be like everybody else trying to be popular. But if I’m going against the trend, won’t it make me like everybody else? Because I don’t know if that’s what I really want. I’m confused. I’m just going against the trend because I think it’s lame to be with them. If I go against it, won’t be the anti-trend that is considered the haters of the trend?

Like for example, Twilight. This introduced the idea of sparkling vampires. Wow. Scary. A lot of people liked it for their own reasons. But the mere fact that the author changed the idea of a scary vampire to a glamorous, sparkling vampire, some people became enraged. I, for one, is one of the haters of twilight. But isn’t that “hate” we found about sparkling vampires is also dictated by the media we’ve watched and learned way back? It’s only a matter of what has the more impact to us. We’ve closed our minds to new possibilities because of the stereotype of vampires from the past.

Well, now, I agree with Levinas. True life is absent. From the very beginning, I think people have the sense of wanting to belong. When the media started to tell what people should be, our point of views either change or get stuck with the old ones said by media also. They always think that everything happens for a reason. Reasons like what? To make you stronger? To make you happier? Isn't all that just psychological? But what can we do? Everything’s dictated by media, one way or another. Everyone’s living a life they’re comfortable with. Some are not happy but they rather choose to not do anything about it as long as they’re at ease, as long as they’re content and accepted. They find a sense of comfort with society making them feel as one with the others. They feel understood. Satisfied.

I want to find out what my true self is; what I really should be. But how? If I do, how will I know if I am my true self? Should I let go of my need of belongingness to find out who I really am? Will I lose my friends? Will I be happier? How will I know if I am? Questions just keep coming out. Will I ever find an answer?

Fairy Tales EXPOSED! [Narcissism is a BAD thing]

Now let's talk about the story of Snow White.

Her story's about a queen who hated her own daughter for growing more beautiful than her.

Selfish much?

You're jealous of your very own daughter?

Remember the part where the queen wanted some woodsman to vanquish Snow White?

The queen demanded the woodsman to deliver Snow White's heart.

The woodsman didn't have the guts to do that to her so he butchered a pig instead.

In the real story, the queen demanded for Snow White's heart, lungs and liver.

And when the woodsman delivered it, of course from a butchered animal,

The queen salts them down, cooked it, and ate it.

Imagine if that's Snow White's real organs.

Whoah.

Moving on,

The queen visited Snow White three times with a disguise.

First, she offered Snow White some "stay-laces" or corset.

Second, involves combing Snow White's hair.

Then the third, the poisonous apple.

But to prove that the apple was safe, the disguised queen even took a bite of the "white part" of the apple.

And let Snow White bite the red part.

So Snow White fell dead.

And she was buried in a glass coffin.

The prince came, he didn't kiss her.

Instead, he bumped or nudged the coffin and the poisoned apple piece fell out of Snow White's mouth.

She woke up from her death-like sleep and marries the prince.

They found out about the queen's plot so they punished her.

Her punishment was so cool it sends me shivers down my spine.

The queen was forced to wear a pair of metal shoes that were heated in the furnace until red hot.

It's called the dancing shoes.

Because she dances while wearing those fiery shoes until she falls dead.

See? Narcissism IS a bad thing.